savory steak gyros & tzatziki

I doubt that Madisonians are alone in our appreciation for glorious, oily, spicy, garlic-encrusted gyros stuffed with French fries, eaten mostly between 11pm and 3am after a long night of polka and boots filled with beer.

Unfortunately because I now identify as a functioning member of society, I’ve developed a crippling resistance to eating gyros at any time. Gyros are late night food, the angel on my shoulder says, and you don’t eat late night food, do you? Because you’re so good. So I go home 1200 calories lighter and just the teeniest drop sadder.

Must it be this way? What is a gyro, really, but piquant grilled meat, crisp lettuce, juicy tomato, and creamy, garlicky tzatziki wrapped up in a warm pita? Why, I could even leave the fries out. That would be downright healthy.

So I set out to make a gyro for grownups. Focused on a deliciously savory marinade for a flank steak and a low fat tzatziki, you could serve this on warm pita, alongside a quick Greek salad, or even with some oven baked sweet potato fries.

 

Steak Gyro

Serves 4-6

¼ c. soy sauce

¼ c. Worcestershire sauce

2 Tablespoons fish sauce

Several cranks black pepper

5 cloves garlic, roughly chopped

2 x ¾ lb. flank steaks

Mix all ingredients except the steaks in a gallon size plastic baggie. Add steaks, seal baggie, and mush the marinade around so the steaks are well coated. Marinate at least 30 min.

Heat up grill or cast iron pan to medium. Add steaks to pan and cook about 10 minutes on a side, until internal temperature reaches 145 degrees F (63 degrees C). Allow steaks to rest 10 minutes. Slice perpendicular to the grain, in slices about ¼” thick. Serve on pita with lettuce, tomato, onion, and tzatziki; or on a salad; or with fries.

Tzatziki

2 x 6 oz. cups plain Green yogurt (I use non-fat)

4-5 cloves minced garlic

1 medium-large cucumber, seeds removed

Salt and pepper to taste

Dash of olive oil, optional

Handful of feta (I use non-fat), optional

Grate cucumber on the medium side of a box grater. Pat cucumber dry. Mix with yogurt, and garlic. Add salt, pepper, olive oil, and feta to your taste. Great with warm pita, on gyros, or as a dip for red peppers.

before & after: nightstands

This was my first experiment in stripping-and-staining, and aside from getting a glob of wood stain in my hair (Note to self: wear bandanna next time. Apparently TV DIY’ers are not being pretentious.) I think it went fairly well.

Here we have the before shot, a pair of cute blonde wood nightstands from Pier 1. I used Citrustrip to take off the finish- it worked, but turned the poly finish to goo rather than peelable strips. Since then, I’ve had better luck with Klean-Strip which offers a low-odor option.

Then I just used Minwax Polyshades in Bombay Mahogany, a deep reddish brown. At the advice of the guy at Home Depot, I rubbed in the stain with a scrap of old t-shirt. I also tried a paintbrush, but found that the brush added streaks and globs. I sanded between coats and found 2 coats was just the look I wanted. Some cute new handles finished the look.

What do you think?

boozy vegan cake pops

I am reminded of the words spoken by the artist Drake: “You the, you the best. You the, you the best.” Those are the words I sung to my little vegan cake pops this morning, accompanied by a bouncing jostle. Pre-coffee jitters, if you will. You the, you the best. These are the best cake pops I have ever tasted.

Not that there’s much competition. Usually made with box mix, canned icing, and coated in not-chocolate, I rarely see the point in eating them. More than once, I’ve taken a bite out of one thinking it was something else and spit out the grotesque beast. Canned icing, why do you exist?

Maybe you, cake pop lover, have just put up your hand to me. Haters gonna hate, you say. I love my cake pops and Lauren, you can go suck an egg.

To which I respond, Fine Lover of Cake Pops! I am sorry to offend with my crass statements. You have a different palate than mine. I understand that many cake pops are adorable confections of many colors and tiny faces! Please, sample my recipe that is designed for deliciousness and not cuteness. You may relish in the homemade look of my pops.

This recipe is dedicated to my brother, who is a carnivegan. He eats vegan things, and then he eats meat. No dairy or eggs. This one is for you, Broseidon, God of the Brocean.

boozy vegan cake pops

Yield varies, 30-50 tablespoon-sized pops

This recipe is a great candidate for cakes that don’t work out. A cake that falls after you bake it or cracks when you flip it out of the pan. As long as it’s fully cooked, just put the remnants in a baggie and freeze until you are ready to use it.

1 prepared vegan chocolate cake, room temperature, 2 8” layers or equivalent- I used a variation of this recipe, by Joy the Baker

¾  – 1 ½ c nut butter – I used almond. Peanut would be delicious, too. Just swap out the amaretto for 1 tsp. vanilla extract

3 Tablespoons Disaronno or other amaretto, or ½ tsp. almond extract for the kiddies - Yes! Disaronno is vegan! You’re welcome.
1/4 - 3/4 c. powdered sugar, to taste - optional*

2 bags/ 4 cups vegan semisweet chocolate chips – You may not use the whole amount. I used Ghiradelli. The party line from G. is that they do not use dairy in their semisweet chips, but they do not consider the chips vegan because they share equipment, which is cleaned between batches, with products that do use dairy. Up to you.

Break up the cake into a large mixing bowl, or the bowl of an electric mixer with the paddle attachment. Add in the amaretto and ¾ c. of the nut butter. Mix on medium speed until combined. We’re going for a cookie dough sort of texture. Keep it as is, or add nut butter ¼ c. at a time until you are happy with the consistency.

*At this point, you may also add sugar, 1/4 c. at a time. The cake I used was sweet enough that it was not necessary to add any sugar. Do what tastes good to you.

Line a cookie sheet with parchment or Silpat. Using a tablespoon or tablespoon-size cookie scoop, scoop out balls of cake dough. Roll them between your hands to make them round and put them on the cookie sheet. Since they aren’t going in the oven, you can put them fairly close together – maybe an inch apart. I fit 30 balls on my cookie sheet.

Measure out 1 c. chocolate chips into a microwave-safe bowl. Microwave 30 seconds at a time, until the chips are melted. Stir. Toss balls in one at a time, using a regular cereal spoon** to move them around, coating them, and then fish them out and put them on the cookie sheet. You want to work fairly quickly, or the cake dough will get soft and annoying. Repeat with remaining balls and chocolate chips, working with 1 c. chips at a time. It’s a manageable amount of chocolate and prevents having a large amount of leftover melted chocolate.

**A spoon may not be your preference. I tried out bamboo skewers, tiny mussels forks, chopsticks, and the spoon, and favored the spoon. Do whatever works for you.

Pop the chocolate coated monsters into the fridge for about 30 minutes, and the chocolate will set. Eat them as-is, or decorate with sprinkles or white chocolate, or spear them with lollipop sticks.

Storage: I think they would be safe to store at room temperature for a day or two. However, I plan to keep them in an airtight container in the fridge to keep the chocolate crunchy.

crap people give me

Aaaaaand I need your help. People give me things ranging from gently worn Express shorts to mink stoles (Not once, not twice, but three times! Oh sure. You’re like, Ooooh, a mink stole! Because you think I mean this. When I actually mean this. I gave them away, yuck.). Weird shit. And it’s always delivered with a message like,

“Hey Loqi/Hey Lauren!/Hey boo/hey dear/hey yo fine self,

I knew you could make something fabulous out of this!

Xoxo kisses

[Name redacted]”

-mock sigh- Of course I love receiving gifts like this!! Who doesn’t love a box full of clothes that they can tear up without remorse?! Without fear of failure?!

The problem is that this concept will likely be a recurring theme on this blog, and I just don’t have a clever name for it. “Crap people give me”? “One girlfraaaannnnnd’s trash?” “So I received this unmarked box in the mail…”

I need your help. Send me your smartass names for this segment, and in return, I will continue transforming other people’s crap into cool things. Maybe it will even give you ideas to transform your own crap!

Okay, so our first victim is, admittedly, a softball. My friend sent me a box of clothes she no longer wears. One item, a lovely cream colored but somewhat chewed-up sequined scarf, immediately stood out. Though it’s beautiful to begin with, it’s pretty itchy and I, like my friend, would likely have spurned it in favor of softer garb. I thought this was a great candidate to experiment with dye. We have a nearly blank canvas to start. I was hesitant that the mesh inlays might not take the dye, but, whatever, it’s itchy, so no loss if it doesn’t work.

1.       I washed the scarf.

2.       I prepped the dye according to the handy dandy directions! Partly due to the scarf’s small volume, and partly due to not reading the directions thoroughly, I started off with ultra concentrated dye. This turned out to be a fortunate accident, as the scarf took on a rich, deep golden yellow, just as I had hoped.

3.       Rinse the scarf, etc. etc. Machine wash, line dry.

4.       Done!

What do we think of the results? Better off white, or a successful makeover?

a simple, possessive throw blanket

The afghan that had taken on a mind of its own, at long last, is wrapped up and stitched down. The saga began nearly one year ago, when Tim purchased his brown leather couch.

Oh, sure, other people like the couch. It’s soft on the buns and easy on the eyes, just an ordinary, overstuffed brown sofa that coordinates with his other belongings. But something was missing. Something furry, feathery, or polka dotted—something that would scream, “Get back from my man!” indicate that there was a lady in residence.

I smothered the urge for something in pink ostrich feather with the suggestion of a burgundy throw blanket.

Tim agreed. “Sure! I’ll get one from Bed Bath & Beyond.”

“NO!” I waved my arms emphatically, a great slashing of arms. “NO. There will be no Bed Bath and Beyond throws tainting your moderately nice couch! I will make you a beautiful throw. It will be the snuggliest blanket you have ever met. You leave this to me.”

In retrospect, Tim’s hesitation may have been legitimate. My knitting skillz, like the elusive tan hua, blossom just once a decade, rising to a seemingly insurmountable challenge, producing something much larger and more bizarre than expected, and then receding back into the dark, warm place where dormant talents lie.

Let's recap.

DEMANDS:

-          Big enough to cover two people on the couch without cold, sad feet peeping out
-         It’s going to be ginormous, so it can’t be boring >> a pattern that included some stitches I hadn’t seen before, not just cables upon cables

-          Gorgeous, vibrant red color

-          Yarn = Maximum softness + reasonable price

Anna and I went to Michael's for yarn, where she spotted our winner, Loops & Threads Charisma, a fat, supersoft, budget friendly synthetic yarn. The pattern I selected was designed for size 9 needles, but the yarn suggested an 11, so I went for a size 11 circular needle.

I tested each segment of the pattern, to make sure I had the hang of it, and to make modifications that would better suit the chubbier yarn. Then I just started knitting.

It’s been about 6 months of on-and-off knitting. Initial growth was lightning fast, because I began during the many flights and road trips of the winter holidays. Then the blanket grew too plump for a carry-on, and, homebound, was relegated to evening TV watching. But at long last, it’s finished!

Diamonds and Baubles

as adapted from Lee Gant

- about 24 balls of Charisma yield a blanket 64" wide x 74" long

- size 11 (may vary, if you use a different yarn, check the suggested size) circular needles
- regular size 11 needle for cabling (any close size will work)

*This was the first knitting pattern I've ever followed. If, like me, you find patterns terrifying, just try one section at a time, and rest assured that it all boils down to knit, purl, cast on, and stitch together. Also, if you find yourself saying "WTF does this mean" comment & I can put up a video.*

**I didn't think to do this, but wouldn't it be cute if the cables mirrored each other? Like, if all of the left size cables turned towards the right and the right size cables turned towards the left? Let me know if you try something like that.

Pattern A: Small cable over 8 sts.

Row 1: (RS) K1, [p1, K4, P1], K1.

Row 2: (WS) P1, [K1, P4, K1] P1.

Row 3: K1 [P1, C4B, P1] K1.

Row 4: Repeat row 2.

Repeat these 4 rows.

Pattern B: Blackberry stitch over 22 sts.

Row 1: (RS) K1 [P20] K1.

Row 2: (WS) P1, *[K1, P1, K1] all into next stitch, P3tog; repeat from * to last st; P1.

Row 3: Same as row 1.

Row 4: P1, *P3tog, [K1, P1, K1] in next st; repeat from * to last st; P1.

Repeat these 4 rows.

Pattern C: Hourglass cable over 14 sts.

Row 1: (RS) K1, [P2, K8, P2] K1.

Row 2: (WS) and all wrong side rows: P1, [K2, P8, K2], P1.

Row 3: K1 [P2, C4B, C4F, P2] K1.

Row 5: K1, [P2, K8, P2] K1.

Row 7: K1 [P2, C4F, C4B, p2] K1.

Row 8: P1, [K2, P8, K2], P1.

Repeat these 8 rows.

Pattern D: Diamonds and Baubles over 40 sts.

Yes, I know they're usually called Bobbles, but I thought Baubles was so much more appropriate with our diamond theme!

Row 1 (RS): P3, K2, *[Bauble, K1, P6, K2] *repeat for a total of 3 of these; Bauble, K1, P3.

Row 2: (WS): K3, P2, *[P2, K6, P2] *repeat for a total of 3; P2, K3.

Row 3: P2, K2tog, K1, YO, *[YO, K1, K2tog, P4, K2tog, K1, YO] *repeat for a total of 3; YO, K1, K2 tog, P2.

Row 4: K2, P2, K1, *[K1, P2, K4, P2, K1] *repeat for a total of 3; K1, P2, K2.

Row 5: P1, K2tog, K1, YO, P1, *[P1, YO, K1, K2tog, P2, K2tog, K1, YO, P1] *repeat for a total of 3; P1, YO, K1, K2tog, P1.

Row 6: K1, P2, K2, *[K2, P2, K2, P2, K2] *repeat for a total of 3; K2, P2, K1.

Row 7: K2tog, K1, YO, P2, *[P2, YO, K1, K2tog, K2tog, K1, YO, P2] *repeat for a total of 3; P2, YO, K1, K2tog.

Row 8: P2, K3, *[K3, P4, K3] *repeat for a total of 3; K3, P2.

Row 9: Bauble, K1, P3, *[P3, K2, Bauble, K1, P3] *repeat for a total of 3; P3, K1, Bauble

Row 10: P2, K3, *[K3, P4, K3] *repeat for a total of 3, K3, P2

Row 11: YO, K1, K2tog, P2, *[P2, K2tog, K1, YO, YO, K1, K2tog, P2] *repeat for a total of 3; P2, K2tog, K1, YO

Row 12: K1, P2, K2, *[K2, P2, K2, P2, K2] *repeat for a total of 3; K2, P2, K1

Row 13: P1, YO, K1, K2tog, P1, *[P1, K2tog, K1, YO, P2, YO, K1, K2tog, P1] * repeat for a total of 3; P1, K2tog, K1, YO, P1

Row 14: K2, P2, K1, *[K1, P2, K4, P2, K1] *repeat for a total of 3; K1, P2, K2

Row 15: P2, YO, K1, K2tog, *[K2tog, K1, YO, P4, YO, K1, K2tog] *repeat for a total of 3; K2tog, K1, YO, P2

Row 16: K3, P2, *[P2, K6, P2] *repeat for a total of 3; P2, K2.

Repeat rows 1-16.

Bauble
Knit into front, then back, then front of stitch. This makes one stitch into 3 stitches. Turn, P3, Turn, K3, Turn, P3, Turn, K3, Turn, P3, Turn, K3tog. The final K3tog makes it all one stitch again. You can save yourself a lot of wrestling by practicing doing this without turning. I like to imagine that it's how lefties knit.

Ribbing

Row 1: (RS) P1, K3, P3 ... repeat, (hopefully) ending on a K3, P1

Row 2: (WS) K1, P3, K3 ... repeat, (hopefully) ending on a P3, K1

C4B/C4F
B- Hold two stitches on your cable needle back. Work the other two, then work your cable needle stitches.
F- Hold the two stitches on your cable needle front. Work the other two, then work your cable needle stitches.

Afghan

Construction:

Pattern layout: A, B, A, C, A, D, A, C, A, B, A

Cast on 192 sts and do 10 rows of Ribbing. The math does not work out perfectly- you may have to choose between doing a K4 at the very end instead of a K3, or another close option.

Hint: Placing markers before and after every [k3] section will prevent you from purling them on the wrong side. You probably won't need them after maybe 10 rows, but they'll help in the beginning.

Row 1: (RS) P1, work row 1 A; place marker, K3, place marker; work row 1 B; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 A; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 C; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 A; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 D; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 A; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 C; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 A; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 B; pm, K3, pm; work row 1 A; P1.

Row 2: (WS) P1, work row 2 A; slip marker, P3, slip marker; work row 2 B; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 A; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 C; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 A; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 D; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 A; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 C; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 A; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 B; sm, P3, sm; work row 2 A; P1.

Keep going along in this manner until the blanket is the size you want (may I suggest a nice 74"?). I think it looks best to end on row 1 or row 9 of Pattern D. I finished the blanket by doing K2tog, slide the stitch back on the left needle, K2tog all the way across and tying the end.

Below, in progress and all complete.

white chocolate oatmeal birthday biscuits!

Well, they would be biscuits if we were British, but since the cookies are a birthday gift for my friend, Biscuit, I thought we could make an exception.

Biscuit loves few things as much as white chocolate and a high fiber diet. Highly recommended from deep in the Smitten Kitchen archives, I was eager to try something that would combine two of her passions.

These cookies are exceptionally decadent. Even if you consider yourself “not a white chocolate person”, this is not the moment to write off this recipe. The white chocolate chunks melt into toasty pockets of gooey, buttery deliciousness and perhaps you will be converted. I was.

crispy salted white chocolate oatmeal cookies

Baked exactly as directed from the Smitten Kitchen
Yield: 48 cookies when I made them; Deb of SK got 24

1 cup all-purpose flour

3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon table salt
14 tablespoons (1 3/4 sticks) unsalted butter, slightly softened
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 cup Ghiradelli white chocolate chips (*Deb calls for 6 ounces of high quality white chocolate bar, chopped. I found the Ghiradelli chips had a rich, buttery natural taste and worked well for me.)
½ teaspoon flaky sea salt

 Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line baking sheet with parchment paper or Silpat.

Beat butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Scrape down bowl, add eggs and vanilla and beat until mixed. Scrape down bowl again.

 A moment of truth: you may mix dry ingredients in a separate bowl, but I am a heathen and we’re being honest; this is what I actually do when I want cookie dough NOW and fewer dishes later>>  Measure all your dry ingredients, except the oats & white chocolate, directly into the mixing bowl. Mix on the slowest setting until combined. Scrape down bowl, add in oats and white chocolate chips, and mix until well combined.

 Use a cookie dough/ice cream scoop- mine is about 1-1.5 tablespoons—to plop cookie dough out onto sheets. I got 4 dozen (48) cookies out of this batch. Yes, the dough is firm. I left the cookie dough in a ball shape and it baked into a normal cookie shape. No need to press them down.

Sprinkle a flake or two of sea salt on each cookie.

Bake until golden brown- 12 minutes was perfect in my case.

I found the cookies to be very soft and brittle when warm, so you might avoid cookie breakage by sliding your parchment off the hot cookie sheet onto the counter or a wire rack to cool before trying to move the cookies to a more permanent container.

book club on the 11's/ lamb: the gospel according to biff, Christ's childhood pal

So. Book discussion time. LAMB, THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BIFF.

 

Disclaimer: this discussion includes spoilers. Also, the book we are discussing this month is a piece of fiction likely to piss off people of many varieties of belief. It is an interpretation of what Jesus Christ's childhood may have been like, as told by his goofball friend Biff. Rather than getting into dogma, Brian and I are going to approach this book as just another other novel, but with some characters we may have met before.

 

B: Yes. We are not people who should be discussing dogma at all. Unless it involves Alan Rickman. Then by all means, I'm your guy.

 

L: First thing that I should have seen coming- this is Billy Madison retells the story of Joshua's (Jesus is referred to as Joshua throughout the book) childhood. I have never read so many dick and fart jokes between two flexible cardboard covers before. It's a miracle Adam Sandler has not already adapted this book for the big screen.

 

B: I think it's more an act of mercy; I don't think the world could take Sandler as Biff. (He might make a decent John the Baptist, though.)

 

L: Second, it's a really cool perspective on what Joshua's childhood might have been like. Joshua and Biff leave home at 10 years old and spend the better part of two decades wandering the Middle East and Asia, looking for the three wise men, living with Buddhist monks, learning about different faiths and practices, and discovering their own beliefs along the way.

 

B: They also learn kung fu, battle priests of Kali, teach an elephant Yoga, and, in my favorite part of the book, take down a demon named Catch. It sticks out like a sore thumb until you think for a second; the Magi's place is awesome. He's cultivated a harem of terribly named, nubile Chinese women who also happen to be experts in martial arts and explosives, and Biff and Joshua can stay as long as they want, provided they don't open ONE door. Why?

 

...because there's always a Catch. *rimshot*

 

L: At the end of the book, I sat back and thought about what I might have done, if I had written the book- where I might have sent Joshua and what I might have had him learn. And with the exception of Biff's voracious appetite for hookers and crush on Mary Magdalene, I don't think I would have done it differently. I don't think I could have come up with a better childhood for Joshua that would have prepared him better.

 

B: I'm honestly surprised that Biff only got one STD during the entire book. Or maybe that's one of the perks of hanging out with the Son of God.

 

I would've kept the crush, to be honest. It creates a nice underpinning to the book. But I think the characters all had strong, distinctive voices, the pacing was good, (though a bit off, only slightly, because of how Christopher Moore likes to set up and execute his jokes) and the story was well-done.

 

L: I loved the scenes with John the Baptist. I remember being taught that JtB was a total nut; a well-meaning, forward-thinking nut, but a hippie and a human dunk tank nonetheless. The scenes later on where Joshua and Biff wrap up their journey east and then roam with John with only locusts and honey to eat, were hilarious. The author really fleshed out JtB's eccentricities while retaining his kind heart and amazing ability to get people excited about new ideas. Also, I'm curious about the nutritiousness of a locust-honey diet. Sounds like it could be the next big thing.

 

B: Are locusts vegan? I'm asking for a friend.

I really liked the modern-day parts of the story as well. The concept of an angel obsessed with soap operas is hilarious to me.

 

L: Really? I sometimes found the angel subplot too hammy for my taste.

There were some moments that really stuck out to me. When the boys are staying with the silent Buddhist monks, and get the news that their yeti friend has passed; when they execute an elaborate ruse to recover several children who would have been sacrificed during a religious ceremony, and neither the children nor their parents seem happy about the successful rescue mission; their last night at home, when Biff goes to Mary Magdalene when she expects to be meeting Joshua. What did you think?

B: The big one that stuck out to me (and was never addressed) was the child born during Mary's first year of marriage to Jakan, which happened shortly after Biff and Josh left. And Biff had what can best be described as sexual relations of a questionable ethical nature with Maggie due to disguising his identity, which were somehow okay after the fact... and nothing's ever mentioned of that again. It's mentioned in passing, and Biff never gives two thoughts to it. I think that's his nature as a character; his chief focus is on Joshua and how things affect him, but... c'mon. He didn't think for a second that it was his kid? And Joshua's more broken up than he is about it?

L: OMG. You’re so right. That nagged at me too.

B: I also thought it would've been awesome if the Rumi that helped them turned out to be the poet Rumi, despite the time differences. But I agree, a little more time dedicated to the ethical quagmire of the children not happy about being rescued.

L: Overall, 9/11. Adventurous and clearly well thought out and researched, a bit long in the tooth sometimes.

B: I concur. 9/11. Fun fact - Christopher Moore's said that this book was inspired by one of my favorite all-time reads, The Master and Margarita... Which makes him the third person I've ever heard of who knows about that book.

---

Next month we are reading Neil Gaiman's The Ocean at the End of the Lane. (Ahhhhh!! Fangirl scream!) Did I ever tell you about the time my best friend, her amazing sister, and I drove 16 hours to Spring Green, Wisconsin, to see Neil Gaiman in his natural habitat?! No, then I must respect your opinion of me. Too late now. Here is what goodreads.com had to say about the brand-spanking-new Ocean at the End of the Lane:

THE OCEAN AT THE END OF THE LANE is a fable that reshapes modern fantasy: moving, terrifying and elegiac - as pure as a dream, as delicate as a butterfly's wing, as dangerous as a knife in the dark, from storytelling genius Neil Gaiman.

It began for our narrator forty years ago when the family lodger stole their car and committed suicide in it, stirring up ancient powers best left undisturbed. Dark creatures from beyond the world are on the loose, and it will take everything our narrator has just to stay alive: there is primal horror here, and menace unleashed - within his family and from the forces that have gathered to destroy it.

His only defense is three women, on a farm at the end of the lane. The youngest of them claims that her duckpond is an ocean. The oldest can remember the Big Bang.